Is It Too Much to Ask to Say That I Want to See You Again?

Bored... So fucking bored. I'm nothing but a sorry sight. I'm lying flat on the hardwood floor. Currently, I'm engaging the ceiling fan in a staring competition. I thought that I could fill up my time with something, anything, but there's just nothing that can hold my interest right now. It's gotten bad. Hell, it's come to the point where I've finished ALL my assignments and readings a day into my reading week break just to keep myself preoccupied. And what's worse, the very act of it gave me some modicum of joy simply because I feel that I had at least accomplished -SOMETHING-. Ugh. Lame. It's just, right now, I don't see the value in doing anything, nor do I see the value in picking up a new hobby if it means me bashing my head against the wall for days trying to figure it out. Even the things I thought I loved doing the most in my spare time-- watching movies, playing games-- partaking in it just makes me feel like a lump. It's just a meaningless gesture to me now. But I want to get out of this rut so badly! I can't live like this! ...Maybe there's something I can do to shake it up. Maybe I'm just lonely. I should go out and meet someone new... Ugh, but I've been there already. It's the same thing as self-destructing against a new hobby, albeit with a different coat of paint-- the fact that it's a fucking -PERSON- in question. I'd just end up taking weeks trying to figure out what makes the other person tick, not to mention deal with what their own impressions of me are... And then, what if they end up being a creep or some sort of intolerable bitch? Then I'd really have wasted my time. Tsk... What a pain in the ass. Ugh... My head's starting to go a bit light from this shitty concoction of bad memories and self-hate that I've been feeding myself into. Really, I don't even know what I want for myself at this point. When I think I want something, I trap myself in a self-imposed limbo. Stuck, trying to think whether it'd truly be something that'd end up rejuvenating me, or if it'd just be a wasted effort. I'm just stuck, I guess. Stuck in a rut. I pushed myself to make friends with people when I started university, but each and every time it has just been the epitome of feeling "forced." Why is it just so difficult? ...Forget that question, it's because I'm an entitled snobby bitch and I just can't stop giving off those airs. Duhhh. Obviously. But I mean, is it too much to ask to have at least one person out there that I can just get along with? Obviously I could join a school club or something like that if I wanted to get to know people with shared interests. That would be the bare minimum as an "in" with someone else, but... I've already been there. I've already tried my damndest to force my way into other people's hearts like that. I wanted to be special to everyone in that old high school film club, but trying to push that desire like nothing else mattered to me made it so that the fall when I was knocked off of my pedestal sting like nothing else. A fall from the tallest building on earth. A fall from the fucking stratosphere. [[And yet...->And Yet...]]

You know, despite being burned so badly, there was a silver lining. And that happened in the middle of my final year... Yeah... Meeting Michie... My eyes couldn't focus on the ceiling fan anymore. A compulsion took over me. I got up off my back and threw on a zip-up before walking out onto the veranda. My bare legs stung from the midnight cold. My hands started shaking. But... after lighting a cigarette and taking a long breath of it, a pang of warmth filled me. Nostalgic, and fucking bitter as hell. It permeated through my entire body. She smoked back then. Her hair was long. The smell of cigarettes almost stuck to her like glue. Now, mine nearly reaches my waist, and I'm sure I reek just the same... But I'm used to that smell now. Our chats in that musty old clubroom that I was resigned to be by myself in were the highlights of my life, and yet... Why'd I have to abandon that connection just like that? Fuck. I'm an idiot. I slouch against the railing, half-chewing the end of a new cigarette. I wonder... ...How are you doing right now? And I wonder still... ...Do you still think about me? Or is that a selfish thing to ask? ... Ugh, another cigarette... Even if you hate my guts now, even if you were to pass me by on the subway or the street and not even bat an eye... Even if it sounds so pathetic... I still want to say that you were my closest friend... Since... Well, obviously... [[I never had the courage to say it.->Courage]]

The thing about Michie... Even if she was more of the quiet sort, she's always had this air of decisiveness about her. Every word that came out of her mouth was biting, just as it was thoughtful and true. At first I thought it was annoying, how she would unabashedly speak her mind about me. How she'd call all the justifications I gave for my moping nothing but bullshit, or "not worth it" from her perspective. How she followed through with all her actions, no matter how warped of an idea it was, no matter how dire the consequence-- just because she "felt like it was what should have been done." Then it came to the point where I'd get dragged along with her whims, too. No, rather, I let myself get dragged along out of my own volition. I just couldn't keep my eyes off of her. It was the first time I felt so strongly over someone else. But... I didn't understand my own feelings back then. More than anything else, it was the envy of her that stood out the most. Why do you just seem to have it all held together, despite everything...? I never talked to her about why. So with that being the case, despite us being well-acquainted, I turned my back on her. I didn't ask for a phone number, LINE ID, any form of SNS, what-fucking-ever. I graduated and didn't give her a second thought, justifying it in that I was moving on to a different stage of my life and that I should just forget everything about high school, even if it meant putting Michie in the past, too. I'd scrub it from my memory and come out as a "better person." In retrospect, clearly, that's not how it works at all. I was a fucking idiot, and I still am a fucking idiot. Nothing's changed. Nothing's changed at all. I hate that it's taken me two years of listlessly crawling along through this lame excuse of a "fresh new start in university" for me to realize how much Michie meant to me as a friend. All of this, just because of some stupid fucking ego trip... Soon, she'll be graduating too. I'm sure she has it all figured out... Fuck. FUCK! I'm such an idiot! Ugh... I need to stop this stupid habit of fiddling with my hair... It's getting really coarse, now... I palm my eyelids-- the cityscape in the horizon is just starting to look more and more hazy and distant. Fuck... How many...? How many cigarettes has that been? I start coughing at the thought of it. ...Whatever. Hahahahaha. Hahahahaha. Honestly, knowing her, maybe she didn't even pay it much mind... "Just another one of these 'Nino things,'" or something like that. Hell, you know, maybe she didn't even view me as a friend, in the same way I was so dismissive of her at the end of it all. Honestly, after I left, what's even more likely is that she found new friends, one that were much more receptive than me... And then, she would've forgotten all about me. ... Urgh, for some reason I just... Fuck, I can't stomach that thought, I just can't. It doesn't sit right with me. I can't stomach it at all. Suddenly, a wave of nausea grips me. I felt my head go light. My hands quaking, I reach into my pocket. Somehow, I killed half a pack in the span of this time just thinking about her... I crumpled down with my back against the balcony rail, clutching my head. Ugh... ... Even when I reminisce about something, I somehow end up fucking that up, too. I should look back at these times fondly and move forward with my chin up... But why is that so difficult? Why can I not let this go? ... Right. It's obvious. It's as clear as day. Michie. I want nothing more than to see her again. I want to talk to her again. No, not even that, I just want to be in her presence. Just like in that abandoned clubroom those long two years ago. But I... I threw away any chance of a lasting connection. Fuck! There has to be something I can do... ... Hah... Hahaha. It took a bit of brain wracking, with my head clutched inside of the space between my knees, but I think I got something. This idea is just -so- stupid, but it'll work. I'm sure it'd put a smile on her stupid face once she hears me explain it, too. I congratulated my genius with a beer, and passed out over my bedsheets half-drunk. It's something that should have been done a long time ago-- I'm not sure who I should apologize to the most over it taking this long to try to act on this. Apologize to myself, [[Or to her...->Her]]

I didn't think I'd find myself on campus, especially during my reading week of all times, but there's a good reason for it this time. I recall universities canvassing during the latter half of the year for graduating high school students. That'd be my "in." It's definitely a set of hoops to jump through, but I really don't think me waltzing in and asking about a "friend" with me being two years older than these graduating kids would really sit right anyone. I check with the registrar if they're accepting any volunteers for my old high school. The answers as to whether or not they were was an obvious yes-- who the hell would want to deal with a bunch of high school brats, anyways? Of course, the irony of that statement is that I was the epitome of a snotty high school brat back then, but that's neither here nor there. What matters more is that I got the spot without too much of a hassle. In essence, I'd keep an eye on the classes as I present for each one. It'd just take a cursory glance. Michie definitely stands out from the crowd. I'd just have to hope that she recognizes me... No, she definitely will. She'll definitely recognize me. Then, after that class is over, I'd hang around, pull her aside real quick, and ask for her phone number. ...It's not like I have any other ideas on how to make it less weird. I might as well say "hi again," get it over with, and have her cuss me out later for appearing out of the blue or something. But with that being said, contingency... I need a contingency... Right, I guess I could ask the teachers as my fallback if I'm unlucky. With how many classes I'll be presenting for, surely at least one has taught her. That'd cover all my bases. It's fool-proof, this way, isn't it?! After all, the last thing I'd want to do is ask some random high school kid about her. So, with all being said and done, it'd be a month from now. I'd have to prep a dumb presentation and talk about my school's good points or whatever, and it'll be smooth sailing from there. I whipped up a big bristol board, threw some general information on there, wrote down some sweet nothings about how "wonderful" this shitty institution is, and called it there. Strangest of all, I started to enjoy passing time with movies and games again, knowing that spending time indulging these things would make the days leading up to my visit pass in the blink of an eye. No, rather... [[It was knowing that I'd see Michie again in a month.->See You Again.]]

Alright, fuck. This is hell. The eighth circle of it or whatever, might as well be the hundredth for that matter. Too many loud and obnoxious kids. What the hell is this slang I'm hearing...? This is actually incomprehinsible. And it ain't because there's a lack of me trying, I haven't heard any of this before. They're all fucking looking at me, too. Eugh. Ew, ew, ew. I'm going to get hives. I try to channel the best blank, resting bitch face I possibly can and walk to the first class I was assigned. Maybe the kids in senior year will be a little bit less of a pain? I find the classroom. Typical required math class. I glance around and size everyone up. First and foremost, no Michie. Second, it's not any more tolerable. Half of the class are talking over one another with me in the room and the other half are phonegazing. Didn't they enforce a no phone policy or something? Maybe this teacher's just soft. Well, whatever. I get the presentation out of the way. Part of my script was subliminal messaging to cause kids to avoid going to my university. "Oh, it's expensive to live on campus, but it's worth it for the experience!" "Learning to budget for your textbooks, food, and general living expenses is a difficult task!" I said all this knowing full well that I don't live on campus whatsoever and spent my textbook money this semester on takeout, booze, and cigarettes. Doesn't matter either way, right? Not like any of these kids were listening, anyways. Not like the half of them even give a shit about the long-term future. They'll pick a university anyways and just drift (and grift) along, that's how it rolls. Before I left, I asked the teacher if they potentially teach or taught a "Michie" in any of their classes, citing her as a "friend," and they apologized before telling me that no, they don't know anyone by that name. No dice. I moved on to the next class. History class. Same deal, no Michie. This time, though, the teacher did know Michie! "Fucking nice," I thought. ...Only to be burned when they mentioned that they taught her in first year, before going on a tirade about how students like that aren't fit for university. "Haha. You think...?" And yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay, can it, you fucking old bag. Well, that's alright, I'm presenting for six different classes per day for three consecutive days. She's bound to be in at least one of them. If not today, then tomorrow. If not tomorrow, then definitely on the day after that, because that'd be all the classes that they're having for the students of this year. But with that being said, there wasn't any luck for me today. ...Or the day following that. And so already, here we are, on the last day of my presentations. Just a little bit more until the start of the day. Some thoughts start to seep into my head, as I catch a cigarette on the rooftop. ...Did I really just waste my time for nothing? Or worse yet, did something happen to her? Maybe she transferred entirely... Or knowing Michie, maybe she got suspended again over something... Urkh, or worse yet, expelled entirely?! Ugh. No, don't say that. Definitely. She'll definitely be in one of these classes. I got to the second class of the day. I glanced around and no, there was no platinum blonde hair in sight. I asked the teacher and no, they don't know a student named Michie. Still no luck. Surely at least one of these fucking teachers should have at least known her? Aside from the short remarks I've heard from some of these plastic bags about her being a student of theirs in either the first or second year in the past, I didn't have anything about how she's doing now. I had my doubts about her being in the remainder of these classes because of the fact that all of these classes were clearly filled with university prep "enhanced learning" kids from how much more... How do I put it, "whipped" they were? Not to mention, the fact that surely, she should've at least been in at least ONE of these classes I presented for... Ugh! Honestly, I was just about done presenting for all these classes. Even when I try to do something that I feel so strongly for, I get burned. That's just how it's been. Not just in high school, even now, with me jumping from major to major trying to figure out something that works for me... Nothing. Nothing at all. The worst part, though? It's when you find out that you shouldn't have held on to any semblance of hope. I trudged through the day, and held my breath for at least the last class. I took one good look... And I didn't even want to bother anymore. I audibly kissed my teeth. Said I had a stomach ache or something. I must've looked like a pathetic excuse for an adult, made my university look bad for these prep kids, but I didn't really give a shit anymore. I didn't even bother asking the teacher this time, either. Fuck. I lurched around the third floor, the floor where all of the senior year was situated. I even made cursory glances into other classrooms-- you know-- just in case she came particularly late to any or anything, but... Ugh. What happened to her? How is it that barely any of the teachers knew her, and that none of those teachers have taught her this year? Too many questions that I can't reasonably get an answer to unless I were to start asking around... Yeah. Maybe one of the kids would have known her... But fuck, that's just too much of a tall bargain... I mean, I want this more than anything, but that'd just be... Ugh... FUCK! God fucking damn it. No. Just stop this. I just need to stop already. I started to realize how desperate I was acting. ... Maybe... I wonder if... And even if not, then I could at least... Take the chance to properly reminesce... I waited until the school day was over and let time come to pass for a bit. I stood around with that huge bristol board in front of the school's main office, and just stared at the clock on my phone, to ease my concerns that I looked suspicious or anything along those lines. Once it was thirty minutes past the clock, that would mean that it'd be after-school activity time... So if that's the case, then... I climbed back up to the third floor, and went to the room my old film club was in. The room I met Michie in. The room where we spent all our time together, for hours until the evening. I try to listen in-- I don't hear any voices. No one's actively using it. Maybe, just maybe... My heart was skipping beats. There's a chance. There's a sliver of a chance. I opened the door and... ... Hah... Ahahaha. You know, it was ridiculous for me to expect anything. Nobody's there. All the chairs are on top of the desks-- it doesn't look like this room's been in use for anything except for an odd class or two during the day. ...No cigarette butts on the floor, either. I remember having to get her to pick up after herself sometimes... I go to the middle window on the opposite end of the room and open it. That's where she would always stand. ...This past month was a fluke. I found some sort of enjoyment in things again in anticipation of some form of reunion, but look at where that landed me. Just a fleeting high, leading up to me standing in an empty terrarium that reminds me of nothing more than my failures-- past and present. I sighed. That's that, I guess. A failed attempt. Just pathetic. ...A compulsion took over me again, looking out that window. I took out my lighter, and one of the cigarettes in the half empty pack. I just started staring out the window. I don't know what she saw in this horizon that made her stare at it while talking with me so often. Maybe it's just that I can't see beauty in much of anything lately. She wouldn't be very talkative. When I at least tried to set some of pace for a meaningless conversation, she wouldn't even look at me. She would always be earnest with me no matter what, but wouldn't even bother looking at me in the eyes unless I showed that I could be earnest, too. I hated that back then, but now, I realize more than anything else that took it for granted. I snubbed my cig. It was half-finished and it had been for the past half-hour. The flame died out but I kept instinctively puffing it anyways. I had nothing on my mind anymore. I threw it out the window and turned around. I turned around, but... "Miss... Nino, was it?" [[...There was someone in the room with me.->Someone Else]]

"Guess you didn't hear me come in?" ... "Knew you were up to no good. Smoking in an empty clubroom? You're such a shitty excuse for a university student." "...Huh?" I was just so taken aback by this kid trying to start some shit with me that I didn't even know what to think. The girl was just about my height, if not shorter than me, and that's definitely notable since I'm (still...) pretty fucking tiny... She must've been a senior year student-- I definitely did a presentation for her if she knew I was from university and knew my name. Her pink hair was tousled and just barely reached her shoulders. She had a big pair of glasses, too. I didn't recognize her, nor could I understand why she'd want to pick a fight with me. On top of that, overall, she looked like a dork. She didn't roll her skirt or anything like that. Well, it's not like I'd remember any of these senior kids anyways even if their lack of standing out -is- their typifying feature, since I was only looking for one... -unique- girl, to say the least. "So~" She started. "Care to tell me why you're poking around, Miss Nino?" "Oh. This?" I motion my surroundings-- the room we were in. Her arms were still crossed but she had this condascending sneery air going about her. Damn squirt... "Well... Y-you know. Just thought it'd be a nice place to catch a smoke. And just 'Nino' will be fine, too. I'm not one for being called 'miss,' I mean--" "Oh, I'm sure, Miss Nino. I'm sure this is a lovely little room to smoke in, yes, Miss Nino." She snickered, talking slowly as if to make a point of it. "...You heard what I said, brat. What're you getting at? Can you spare the fucking act?" "Aha~! Okay, sure~!" She seemed almost... Happy that I acted out all of a sudden. Fucking weirdo... Slowly, she started to encroach me, moving away from the door, before stopping the moment she wanted to speak. "I'll be forthcoming just for you then. Why do you keep asking around for Michie?" My entire body jolted, and then froze over. Does she know her?! Does she know what happened to her?! There's so many things I can ask this girl, I-- She waved her hand in front of her face. "Hellooo? What're you just staring at me for?" She brushed her hair behind her ear and scoffed. "Michie. You heard it right. I overheard you talking to my teacher earlier today. Speak up already and stop acting like a fucking deer in headlights." "...What the hell? What gives you the right to speak to me like that, bitch?" "You're the one who's acting like a slimy creep. You answer the damn question for me. Now." "Ugh... Yeah. Okay. Michie, she was a..." Michie was... "A friend..." "Hmm? A friend. A friend of her's, huh? Is that it?" she said with a sort of smug, know-it-all tone. She raised her fingers, rolling them around her lower lip, cracking a plotting grin. There was something unsettling about her... but more so than that, I found her to be a fucking pain in my side at this waking, breathing moment. I spoke up. "Ugh, what does it even matter to you that I'm asking around about her?" She approached me again, even slower. She put her arms behind her back, and with each step it was one foot in front of the other. Even the way she moved made me sick, and the arduous process took ages. At about two person's length away from me, she finally leaned forward. I recoiled my head back from how close she got. "Wouldn't you like to know, hm? Why it matters to me? Why I'm asking you many questions? Nuh-uh. I'm not gonna tell you shit." And then with the widest grin on her face... "Why are you concerned over that waste of space whore?" "...W-what?" What did she just... Huh? "What did you just fucking call her?" Her eyes almost seemed... to brighten up with some sort of sadistic joy. "Hmm? Really need to repeat that for you, huh?!" "..." A fuse was lit in my head. "I said, do you need me to repeat it again for you, you shitbrained creep?!" "...Stop. Don't--" "Just to reiterate, Michie was a waste of space whore, who ran around stealing other people's partners!" "Stop already, fucking stop!" "Hmm~ You know, what else-- here's some other select words for you. Michie's a bitch! The kind of person who just puts on these airs. The kind of person who makes you feel like you can lower your guard around her, almost." I... I... Every single part of my body is just... Just shaking, recoiling, averse, I just... "You know what I'm saying, right, -MISS- Nino? Michie's the kind of horrible person who turns her back on you! Nothing but a false bitch." "S-stop... SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!" "You think so, right? You sure you were a friend of her's? Ain't she just the woooorst?" She gets even closer... Putting her head right up against mine... Nearly nuzzling me... "She's a bitch. A bitch, a bitch, let me spell it out this time, B. I. T. C--" A loud yelp, and a pause. "Y-you..." I hit her. Instinctually, I hit her. The blood rushed to my head. Every synapse in the back of my head screamed at me to do it-- even though my arms and hands started to tremble so heavily-- I slapped her, and she let out a cry of pain. Her glasses fell onto the floor and I heard a sickening snap. I recoiled my own hand back in horror at what I'd done... And if it wasn't for her making that pained sound, I was worried I would've taken it further... "Gh... Ghhahaha. Y-y-you hit me. You actually hit me over that...!" She started stammering. She still had this... smile on her face. "Of course I did. Of course I fucking did..." I don't know why. I don't know why, but I started tearing up. "Don't disrespect my friend like that..." "..." She looked at me with the side of her face still flushed red. I started shouting at her, I-I... I just... "Don't you ever fucking DARE disrespect Michie like that, okay?!" She was still quiet. It seemed like her chest moved up and down at a quickened pace after all that... "ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME, NOW? WHERE'D THAT COCKY ATTITUDE OF YOURS GO, BITCH?" She had knelt down and picked up her glasses, but didn't bother putting them back on, nor did she bother getting back up off the ground. She nursed her cheek and smiled again, but this time there was something else behind it. It was a weak smile. Warm, but utterly twisted. "You know? I wish Michie would've done the same thing to me..." "...Huh?" "I thought she would've started shouting out the same things you did, too." "..." Suddenly, the girl crumpled to her knees... "...But she didn't.." She turned despondent... Just who was this girl? [[She stared at the floor, and didn't say a word.->Not a Word]]

I wanted to grab her by the collar and scream at her again, to give me something, anything, but I was already so mentally spent after that exchange. It's clear she was putting on this sly front to fuck with me. As to whether or not that front crumpled along with her after I hit her... After I shouted... It was hard to say, since she just stopped talking. She just stared at the floor, biting her lip, and nursing her cheek. I sat down across from her, with my back against the wall. Fuck it. Since I'm likely already likely in hot water for hitting this girl, I fumble for a cigarette and light it, not a care in the world as to whether the smoke was going out the window or not. She got what she wanted. She got me to hit her, and I'm sure she was just another girl who had beef-- sorry, trying to get myself out of that phase, still. A bone to pick with Michie. But what's strange is that... she was still on her knees. She was still trembling. What did she mean? That she wished that Michie would've done the same things I did to her..? She had an expression that I just... I couldn't understand what it was. "You know..." I felt the urge to speak up. "You would've been the closest thing I had to getting anything on her. I just wanted to reconnect with her again, okay? She... Michie really was an important friend to me." I swallow the bitter taste of the cigarette, and shakily breathe it out. "Honest... That's all there is to it... She meant a lot to me. She was... My best friend..." She finally looked me in the eyes again. "...Hmph. But I guess all I got out of this was some deranged shit-talking bra--" Ugh... Fuck-- I hack out part of my chest. Shouldn't have started talking again so soon... "I'm- ack. Ugh. I'm just... I'm just so spent already." There was a deep silence, but then she took a deep breath. "Nino.." I look up at her. "She dropped out,.." she muttered out, in a matter-of-fact manner. The world froze over. "...Oh," was all I could muster. ...Hahaha. I chuckled a bit. ...So that's that then, huh? "And Nino..." It... It seemed like she had more to say? "It's my fault she dropped out." "Wait..." I straightened my back a bit. "What? Excuse me?!" I felt another surge of blood rushing to my head. All this time, I figured myself to be the one most at fault. The one who left behind a friend without a word, and yet all of a sudden, this dorky nobody glasses chick thinks herself to be so... so important to Michie to be the reason why she dropped out? I was ready to shuffle forward towards her again. The heat was starting to come back to my head. I started to get up, and I think she knew what my intentions were, but she didn't so much as wince this time. More than anything, she looked up at me with forlorn eyes, resigned to whatever she imagined I was going to do to her. But before anything, with a squint and a warbling, trembling tone, she spoke again: "...I-I liked her, you know that?" I hacked a lung, not from inhaling too much or anything, but out of sheer surprise. I fell back on my ass. Ouch. "Agh...! Hahh-- Wait, w-what?!" My reaction seemed to snap her back to some form of reality. "Ugh, you fucking creep! I know what you're thinking! I know what you're fucking thinking, and n-no! It... It wasn't in a weird way or anything, o-okay?!" "Urkh... Whatever. Why is this all so important? Where are you going with this?" I fiddle with my hair again. A bad habit when I'm trying to wrack my brain. "It's all contradicting. If you liked her, why, how did you push her to drop out?!" "I had her in at least one class each semester... And I just got... Fixated, because I was a homeroom class representative for the second semester of our first year--" "...Pft, yeah, 'cuz I'm sure Michie would get along just fine with a goodie two shoes boot-licker, right?! So what?!" "Will you just--! Ugh! Anyways, I'm getting to the point, so fuck you!" She's definitely got a bite to her. I roll my eyes and just nod along, not knowing if this was just some sort of delusion of her's or not. I was still listening intently-- she knew that I was, despite my interjections. "I just kept getting pushed by our teacher. Pushed over and over to attend to this student who kept skipping classes. A delinquint. A truant. I fucking dreaded it at first. Why wouldn't I? I didn't want her to fucking maul me, right?" "...She wouldn't hit you without a reason." "...That's what I'm getting at. You know, it started with me having to give them print-outs at home, and... And..." And a silence. "...And if you really were Michie's friend, then you would know how it was for her, right?" "...Yeah." My eyes were downcast. "So I would have to find them, and give out these print-outs if I wanted to look good to the homeroom teacher. I knew there was a nil chance of her being home. They even gave me her address, and I tried going there the first few days only to be shooed away by her parents, too, saying that she wasn't home-- they wouldn't even accept her fucking print-outs in her stead for some reason." Right... Her "parents." Some family that was... "I would've sat there and waited but... I mean, I had prep classes in the evening--" I scoffed again. "Ahahaha! What, so you were just gonna sit outside and wait for her like some puppy dog if it -wasn't- for the fact you had some after-school jack-off program?!" "SHUT UP! Let me continue, or I'll just leave! Can't you read the fucking mood?" ...What this glasses chick doesn't know is that I've heard the stories from Michie already. It's a matter-of-fact thing for her, so I accept it as a matter-of-fact thing as well. I guess that really was the bare minimum thing I could've done. Maybe I should've shown a bit more pressing concern about it... Maybe like this girl did... but knowing her, I didn't have the spine to do it... I snapped back out of my wallowing stupor once this squirelley class rep started up again. "You even listening, now? Fuck, I'll leave you in this room to fucking rot!" "...Whatever, go on, kid." "Ughhh! Okay. Okay." She takes a deep breath. "So... So I sought her out, okay?! I knew you were Michie's friend to begin with since you came right to this empty clubroom today. I was watching you closely, and..." She takes a breath. "And... I put two and two together. I knew you were the one who spent time with Michie the most." She started to rise up from her knees. "You know, it just... It became a habit. Even when I didn't have any print-outs to give her, I kept up with that habit of seeking her out just to at least check on her. But even then, Michie was... Michie kept eluding me. Back then, she was with you, most of the time. I was... I was jealous, almost...!" "So you were obsessed, then. Wouldn't that make you even more of a 'creep' than I am, then, four-eyes?" Her face flushed, deeper than the shade of red from my slap on her cheek. "S-shut the fuck up! I'm not like you! A-and if anyone's obsessed, it's you!" "Whatever. Just go on already." "Fucker... Basically I-I just kept trying. I saw her for who she was instead of the rumors. You know the ones. How she picked fights with anyone for the sake of it, how she steals other girls' boyfriends, hell, there were even rumors on the opposite side, too--" "...Uh huh? Were there?" "I-I digress! Ugh! A-anyways... things that were far, far worse have been said... but there was never any truth to those rumors. But even so, I couldn't convey that to her. I couldn't convey that I didn't care about any of those things. I couldn't get her to trust me, I couldn't get through to her at all." "...And?" I muttered out. "I stood up for her when I could. Hell, I-I even managed to get some people to change their minds about her! There had to be a -reason- why she was like this, and it was obviously because she had a bad home life, or was surrounded by bad people, or something! Bad people like you, I mean look at you, smoking all over the place!" ...She's taking on a pretty vindictive attitude for something she doesn't fucking understand, huh? To begin with, Michie was the reason I started smoking... For a dumb reason, mind you, but... I bottle the rebuttal up for now-- she's absolutely blabbering now and I'll take anything I can get just to hear about Michie again... "It just felt so horrible. I couldn't shake the feeling that there's something I could have done for her. Like take on some sort of repsonsibility for her..." The girl's eyes lit up recounting this, and it sent a shiver down my spine. "So finally, at the end of our second year... Especially since you graduated and were out of the picture... I finally got the chance to talk to her on my own terms. Finally, a chance to talk to her one on one...!" ...I didn't like where this was going. The way she talked about Michie was with... with this sense of uncomfortable fervor and enthusiasm. I couldn't say I knew why she was so obsessed, and yet... "It's funny... It's really funny too, because it happened right in this room." "This old clubroom...?" "Yeah, my chance to talk with her...! I found out she was smoking alone in this room all this time, even still, even though you weren't there anymore! Always, always, always without fail, it was always in this fucking room!" She got up close to me again, and looked up at me with something I couldn't describe again. I really didn't where this was going at all. "Any attempt I made to get through to her in this very room led to nothing, though. I tried jockeying food for her. Nothing-- she'd just be gone by the time I'd get back. I tried pleading, begging to speak to her, but she'd just fucking ignore me...! I kept coming back to this room, and then it came to the fucking point where she wouldn't even fucking look at me anymore...!" I couldn't tell you why this freak was so affixated on Michie... But... It felt almost wrong for me to be judgemental, because this whole time I was seeking her out, too, so despite the discomfort and despite the nausea coming on from her purported insistence, I just couldn't help but keep glued to her rambling, as though I was projecting myself into her position... "But I didn't care. I had a reason to persist if it meant getting her back on the right track. Every single time, though, she treated me like I was nothing... That nothing I said mattered..." "...That's just the way she is. You know, that right? You can't change that about someone, you fucking idiot!" "Oh, I'm sure you'd know... Hahaha..." She was clutching onto me, now... "You think that's the way someone should be, though?! Shutting themselves off from the world completely? Letting their present go to waste? If that happens, that just sets your fucking future on a one way track to failure, no?!" "Why do you feel the need to pry so much, you fucking creep? You should have just let her be!" She noticed me recoiling and pushed herself further towards me, to the point where my back was against the wall and her body was up against mine... Ugh... "I was desperate, Nino! I was fucking desperate! I devoted myself to getting Michie back on track, I kept telling the teachers that I was making progress, slowly but surely, and I was promised prestig. But you know what? The prestige started to matter less and less as I kept throwing myself at her. She was a brick wall. Even if I made threats-- telling the school about this clubroom, about her smoking, that she'd get expelled, she didn't seem to care at all, too...! I just got called 'a dirty fucking snake.' Can't you see? Tell me that you see, please...! I tried everything that I fucking could to try to help her get back on track. EVERYTHING! ...And so... Ahahahaha." She started laughing, and let go of me. She started talking slow again. In that leading tone. Like she was going to drop something on me again. "You know...? Repeating all of this over again... It just makes me out to be a fucking fool. Talking to you, Nino? It made me realize something. You and I, we're quite alike in this case, aren't we? Listen to me. Michie's the one that was unravelling and playing around with us all along, wasn't she? If you just think about it for a second, then--" "You... Ugh!" I grabbed her by the fucking collar. "YOU JUST NEED TO SHUT UP WITH THAT ALREADY, BITCH! YOU'RE FUCKING WITH ME!" I start shaking her, and she let out loud winces as she struggled to free herself from my grip. "WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO GET INTO MY HEAD OVER THIS SHIT?! DID YOU DO THE SAME TO HER?! IS THAT WHY SHE DROPPED OUT?! ARE YOU TRYING TO KICK ME DOWN WHEN I'M ALREADY FEELING THE WORST I FUCKING--" "I DON'T GIVE TWO SHITS HOW YOU FEEL! Look at me, look at me in the eye and say that I wasn't wronged...! I tried everything I could to make things right by her. I just wanted to help! But it just got worse. It kept spiralling further and further down when it came to her. It was my fucking fault why she dropped out, but you need to understand that it all just goes to fucking hell when it comes to her! And talking with you, Nino... I realize... It was the same for you." ... "Why would you leave her behind if you were so close, huh? And if she really was your friend, too, as you INSIST, then why hasn't she reached out to you, either?! She wouldn't open up to you about why she is the way she is. She wouldn't open up to me." "I-It's because I never asked, I just didn't think I needed to--!" "That's the thing, Nino... It... It doesn't add up... Why do you care about someone who obviously doesn't care about anyone, or ANYTHING for that matter?! Why are you trying to get in contact with her again?! Why are you even here today?!" "Gh... I..." "You can admit it. You never even really cared about her. Not in the same way I did. You just wanted company when the club in this room was just left with you. That much is obvious." I... I turned her around, and with both of my hands now, I clutched one upon her collar and the other by the waist. Her frail body moved even against my lackluster strength without much of a struggle-- she didn't even bother flailing. The open window-- part of her head and upper back were dangling out. "AHAHAHA! GO ON, FUCKING DO IT! DO IT THEN, THROW ME OUT THE WINDOW! DROP A FUCKING CIGARETTE ON MY BODY AFTER THE FACT, TOO! GO ON! GO ON NINO, WOULDN'T THAT BE SO FITTING?!" I noticed that there were students outside, looking up at us. They were pointing fingers. I think I heard one of them shouting up at us, too, fuck...! I... I...! ...Hah... No, this isn't... This is the last thing I would've wanted, this is the last thing even she would've... I... My head was light this whole time-- I hadn't noticed I was hyperventilating. I drag her back inside and let her go. I crumple onto my back, staring at the ceiling. She was shaking with unstable breath next to me. "Just... That's enough," I started. "You just had to run your fucking mouth again... Whatever... Just tell me what happened between you and her. Tell me what happened in this room. It's fucking over for me now anyways." "Hahaha... Y-you're fucked now... You're fucked..." She let out a long sigh. "But... But okay. Ahahaha. Okay. I mentioned you." "You... You mentioned me?" I tried getting back up to my feet. "I remember. I called you an embarassment of a student. Because it was so obvious she modelled herself after her 'beloved' senior. The way she found some sick pleasure smoking in this room you and her held so fondly for some stupid reason, and started shutting herself off even more from others because of how much you affected her. I watched the two of you closely after I saw that film you two presented... How you laughed together, went into that clubroom together, you, Michie, you were both worlds apart from me." She was getting back up to her feet, too. She crawled towards me again-- she just didn't have any knowledge of personal boundaries or anything... "But you know... That wouldn't do. Because this senior in question, -YOU,- were nothing more than a joke. You became the epitome of a laughing stock, especially after that bullshit prank! That stupid film where you dragged her all around the school filming... fucking inexcusable things!" Her saying all this actually made me smile-- she was so fixated on pointing fingers that she didn't seem to notice it. "And... You know what? The worst part... Unlike you, with the bad temper, nearly throwing me out the window and all... Was that despite what I said about you, all those horrible things... Michie... Michie didn't do anything." I looked up at her. I don't know what kind of face I was making myself. She didn't do anything...? "I finally caught her attention when I talked bad about you, but she just didn't do anything. I kept trying to say more terrible things about you, how you were a bad influence, a worthless student, a fake friend, she wouldn't even tense up." She had to catch her breath. She started... She started crying. "But there was one thing that got her full attention. Where she finally talked to me, truly, from the bottom of her heart." "...What? What did you do? What did you say? "I said... I said that you left her behind." ...That's right. ...I did turn my back on her. I did. The biggest regret of my life. "That was when she finally acted. She didn't hit me, didn't admonish me. She just kept staring out that fucking window. But she said something... I didn't understand why she said it..." I tensed up. "It was in the calmest voice. She turned to me. She... She fucking smiled..." S-smiled? No... What...? "She said... 'Nino didn't turn her back on me.'" ... "Something... Something like that... She said that was why she kept coming to this room. She told me stories about you. She told me about how you changed her. That she... missed you." I... I tried to breathe, but I couldn't. I bit my lip 'til it stung. I bit my lip 'til it bled. I started to cry. I started sobbing. "So I... I flipped. This is what makes her fucking start opening up to me?! You were fucking out of the picture, left her all alone, left her CONTENT to be alone, and yet she was still thinking about you?! I told her... FUCK! I told her that 'at this rate, you might as well just drop out, because there's nothing for you here anymore.'" The pink haired girl sighed, her voice starting to shake even more. "Those exact words! A-and guess what? Guess what?! She fucking agreed. She agreed there wasn't anything left for her here anymore. There wasn't anything left for her at school, or anywhere else, and thanked me." She choked on her own breath. "She... SHE FUCKING SMILED AND THANKED ME of all things-- the first time she thanked me for anything... The only thing I've ever wanted was to be thanked for trying to help but..." She paused. "...And then... And then Michie dropped out. She... She dropped out before her senior year even began." She collapsed on her knees again, right in front of me, and broke into tears. ...You're kidding me. You have to be fucking kidding me. That's why she dropped out? Michie... That's why you dropped out...? I wonder... ...How are you doing right now? And still, I wonder... ...Is it selfish? Is it selfish for me to be happy that you acted the way you did after everything, too? And I wonder still... [[...Am I about to do the right thing, in your eyes?->The Right Thing to Do]]

"Nino, you're still so dramatic. Dramatic about everything." "Shut the fuck up, Michie." "Ehehe. Being a drama queen aside, you've definitely changed, that's for sure." "Ughhh... I mean, I could say the same. Look at you, actually giggling over something for fucking once." Nino starts twirling her hair around. "No more sappiness, I've had enough of it for today! Seeing you again, telling the story, it's hurting my head." "Was it really that sappy, Nino? Are you sure that you aren't just thinking that because you're drunk?" "Huh?! N-no...! I'm not drunk, you're drunk! Y-You're drunk!" "Uhm... I've only been drinking soda." "...Ugh." "Come on, Nino. It wasn't sappy or anything. You were just being earnest. I like that you can be honest about these things for once, too. You were never like that back then--" "Okay, OKAY. No more! I can't take anymore, okay?! It's embarassing, it's so fucking embarassing." Michie nodded along happily. "Okay. Change of fucking subject, god. How about this? I need to hear it from you. Who was that girl, anyways?! I never thought she'd be so many steps ahead of me when it came to you." "Hm? Who?" "You know, the pink haired one? The one I was talking to you about? 'Lapis'?" "Uhm... Really, who?" "Uh... Michie?" "Nino, I really don't--" "You're... you're joking, right? I got your phone number from her and everything!" "Uhm..." "...Well?" "Nope, doesn't ring a bell, really. I thought you made this up for the story or something..." "..." "...Did you really get my phone number from them...? That's a bit... creepy. I don't know anyone by that name. I don't think I remember anyone with pink hair, either..." "So then... Huh?!" Nino's face scrunched up in bewilderment. "Let me guess, then! You made that part up to add in a sort of horror element to your story, right? Aha! It was to hide the fact you were just too scared to give me a call this whole time, or something!" Nino audibly groaned. "...Auuugh. You know. Forget it. Too drunk. Getting dizzy. Let me crash at your place for tonight." "Oh! Okay. A sleepover sounds fun. Sorry again if my place is a bit shabby..." "...Nah. It's real cozy. Smells nice, too. You use incense or something?" "No. You think so, though? I think you're saying that 'cause you reek of cigarettes now, Nino." "And who's fault is that, huh?!" "Not mine. You're the one to blame. I think you're addicted. I stopped smoking after I moved here and started working." "Ugh, bitch--" "Hehe. Kidding." Michie's lips curved into a wistful smile. "...I know who's the one to blame for it, though. Should I say her name?" "I THOUGHT I SAID NO MORE SAPPINESS! NO MORE! NO MORE!" "Starts with an M-- ah! Hey!" Nino threw a couch pillow at Michie, throwing a tantrum before collapsing flat on the sofa. Michie just laughed in return. Turning her head, she kept her eyes locked onto Michie, who was clearing the table of takeout food and empty cans. Michie was still wearing that earring she gave her in passing all those years ago. Despite everything, between the two of them-- Nothing had changed. end

The cigarette I was puffing on tasted like ashes, now. I stumbled up, and I turned around and hurled it out the window-- not that the force of me nearly dislocating my shoulder would change anything about where it landed. It was a gesture to get out all that excess frustration that I had. "W-what are you going to do? Fucking... Gonna... Gonna hit me? Again?" She looked so small when I turned around again, and saw her there on her knees. "Go on... I deserve it... As a matter of fact, just throw me out the window already... I fucked up, didn't I? I fucked over Michie, too, didn't I?" I let out my hand in front of her, and she winced, but... My palm was open-- I wanted to offer her a hand up. She kept moving her head left and right. No. No. No. I heard the shambling pitter patter of footsteps climbing up steps to floor of the building we were on. Multiple voices. They were shouting "RURI! RURI! RURI!" over and over. Was that her name...? I sighed. I knelt down again. I was down at her level. I touched her two shoulders gently, and she looked at me with a true fear-- And I wonder still... ...Would you do the same thing? ...No. I know what your answer would be. Instead, this time... I'll... "Ruri...?" I said softly. She looked surprised-- in her stupor, I don't think she heard her peers screaming out her name, so she probably didn't expect to hear what I would assume to be her name coming out of my mouth. "Ruri. That's it." I choked on my words. "Here..." Gently, I hugged her. I held her in my arms. Feeling her dainty back in my arms, I dug my head into her shoulder. I hugged her tight. It took a second, and I couldn't see her face, but with her head snug next to mine, she broke into a loud, bawling sob. I did too. She held me tighter. I said I was sorry, over, and over, and over. She only kept crying. In this moment, there was a wordless mutual understanding. Self-blame... It's a drug. One that keeps you going. To try to make things right, for others, for yourself... But you can just get so easily lost in it. Wallow and drown. But now, I think... I think it's okay. It's okay to be lost... If it means I can remember with full clarity. I want to hold it as close as I can. [[That moment in time where I was happy.->Happiness]]

The footsteps were getting louder. I drop the embrace. "H-hey... Ruri?" She... She didn't want to let go. She went quiet. "Ugh... We have to--" I started to squirm a bit, making small winces and whines in between my sobs, but the very moment that the door was about to open, she managed to snap off of me, and started fiddling with her glasses. I uh... Couldn't come up with any semblance of an excuse for the kids that came barreling in. I was still teary-eyed, but when I looked to my side... ...Ruri looked composed, said that we got into an argument over her glasses breaking, presenting her cracked glasses to the rest of her peers. Some were younger, some were her age. She said that the two of us, as proper adults, resolved it amicably after talking it out. She looked at me expectantly. Ugh... Really? I wiped my eyes and apologized. I said that I started it, escalated it, and that the kids shouldn't worry about it-- everything's alright. Damn kids scoffed at me. They were definitely looking down at me, fuck. They all parted ways. They were just glad that their beloved class rep wasn't hurt, I guess. I was surprised that this dorky looking girl was popular enough with them for them to come flocking to her rescue, let alone start shouting out her name, but... I guess I can acknowledge that this girl had a scary way with her words. It's just that when it came to talking to me... They were laced with venom. Well, whatever. I guess I got what I came here for. Michie dropped out, and that's that. I might as well steel myself to the idea that I won't see her again. But she started talking again, with her back turned to me. "First thing's first. Don't call me Ruri." "...Huh? Isn't that what the others were calling you on the way up?" "Just don't call me that, I -ESPECIALLY- don't want to hear it coming out of your mouth, Nino." "W-what the fuck? Why?!" She was the one that took to looking out the window this time. "Hey, c'mon, I was just trying to--" "You got my attention with it, yeah. I heard you loud and clear." "...Well, what am I supposed to call you then?" "Not comfortable with it. Just keep calling me 'kid' if you want to." "You know, it's really awkward if I have to force myself to call you that--" "Tsk... 'Lapis,' then. Call me 'Lapis.'" "Uh, okay? That your nickname, or something?" She ignored me. "Second. Forget today happened. If you and I ever see each other again, I... I-I'm going to pretend I never--" "Did you just stutter?" "Ugh... Guh..." She just seemed at a loss of words for some reason. "O-okay then, yeah. F-forget today happened. Okay?!" "...Uh?" "You heard me, right, Nino?!" I pitied her. "O-okay?" "A-and the last thing." She took a deep breath and seemed a bit more sure about this-- and there was a deadly seriousness behind it. "Don't you ever, ever feel like you need to apologize to me." "Huh? Why the fuck not, I mean, I--" "Shut up. I deserved everything you laid onto me, and that's that, okay? After everything I said..." "..." "..." She looked at me expectantly. "UThat's a... Very weird thing to be into, but hey, whatever floats--" "HUH?! IS THAT WHAT YOU TAKE FROM IT?! ARE YOU KIDDING--" A muffled voice from outside the door echoed, "Ruri? Are you two still--" "Uhm, everything's okay~! Don't worry, we'll be out soon, m'kay?!" I broke down into laughter. "Hahaha! Bodyguards, huh?" "Ugh just... Whatever. I'm leaving..." "Alright... Just... Give me a bit longer." "Why should you?" "Just want to reminisce a bit more." "And? Why should you?" "...Did nothing over the course of us at each other's throats stick out to you? Obviously I want to just take some time to just... Say goodbye, I guess--" "I'll ask you again. Why do you need to mope around? There's really no need for it." "...Seriously, what the fuck--" "Check inside your cigarette pack~" "..." That same impish smile. "No smoking on the premises. 'Kay?" She giggled and waved bye. What the fuck is up with this chick...? Ugh. Whatever. It seemed like the school building was going quiet. The sun was about to go down and... The horizon was pretty. ...Alright, then. I check the cigarette pack. ...There's one more cigarette left in the pack... Fuck the rules. I light it up. One puff is all that I can stomach after today. But it's the sweetest thing I've tasted in so, so long. I notice something else inside the packet as well-- she was true to her word. But what could it be... A... note? Wait, how did she... No. No, reading this note, there's something more important for me to process, here. A phone number... [[And a name I recognize.->Endroll]]